“Divorce is not an option” is one of the craziest lies I’ve ever heard. Because it is in fact an option. Serving ten years as a minister I have witnessed people condemn divorce, while they themselves may be married legally but are in fact living as divorced people under the same roof. I have seen others feel as though everyone’s marriage should be easy because theirs is; however, that is just simply not the case. If we are ever going to become the effective church of the 21st century, we are going to have to stop ostracizing people because of their situations, and just begin to minister to people where they are. God is able to give them the future that HE intended for them to have. If you are one of those people who feels as though EVERY marriage is going to work, then you will probably just want to read a different post; because this post is intended to help those experiencing divorce, moving on, finding healing, and knowing that God yet has a plan for their lives!
Contrary to the popular belief that nowadays people are just jumping in and out of marriage like dirty underwear, there are still many people that take the vows of marriage very serious. Most of the individuals that I’ve encountered took every precaution possible to save what they believed was a life long commitment, only to find themselves on a ship that had sank long before they decided to get off: enduring endless back and forth, pointless conversations, meetings, and counseling sessions, unhealthy mental and emotional stress because even though they said they didn’t care they really did.
A true fact is that who you are today is probably a far cry form who you were 5, 10, 15 or even 20 years ago. And one thing that is certain is that just because you are growing older chronologically doesn’t mean that you are growing older mentally. There is nothing more frustrating than dealing with a 20, 30, or 40 year-old-kid! Oh and don’t think these statements are gender specific, they apply to both men and women. Then there’s the case where you have been fooled by an individual:
They said the right things while you were dating. You did all that you could to get know your mate. You went to pre-marital counseling. And … wait for it… you get married only to find out that the person you married knows nothing about loyalty, fidelity, Jesus or anything else you thought was commonly practiced in a Christian relationship.
There are other factors that can cause a marriage to ultimately fail:
Outside interference – one mate continues to allow others to invade the relationship and control the affairs of the family.
Lack of Trust – one mate is not honest about serious issues thus causing a breach in the trust of the relationship.
MONEY – it gets real frustrating when there’s not enough of it
Abuse – one mate is intentionally and continually harmful to the other; physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually
There are many more reasons as to why you may have suffered from a failed marriage, but this is not the end of you! There is still more life left in you and you can and will be restored to 100%! You know I like lists, so here is a list of suggestions that can help to bring back whatever you lost in the process:
- Allow time for healing - A common mistake that many divorcees make is to get involved with another individual without allowing the necessary time to heal mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We can’t neglect the fact that when you divorce you are losing a significant part of yourself for the bible says that TWO shall become ONE. With this being understood please understand that you must get familiar with who you are now; after all, you have just lost a piece of yourself. It is difficult, and nearly impossible, to become familiar with yourself while learning someone else.
- Accept the change – Even though the marriage may have been a living hell, you must be comfortable with the fact that you learned something from it. Accept what you have learned and use it freely as it is a part of you that you’ve earned. Also accept your new singleness. You should have more knowledge of yourself and what you can and can’t handle. Go and grab life! You now have new tools to guard yourself and I BET, if you giver yourself time to heal, you can recognize someone with the mentality of you ex a mile away.
- Erase any battle lines and forgive – When you go through a divorce everyone around you suffers from the effects of this life altering situation. It is easy to damage long standing relationships because you are un happy with the fact that a friend refused to take your side... or maybe felt that something you did was wrong… or gave their perspective on things and you weren’t viewed as the angel that I am sure that you are… Listen, you will never get any where holding on to “how bad you were done”. Forgive everyone! By doing this you are releasing yourself from any negativity that could hinder you from moving into your newly formed successful self. Remember even Paul had to forget things that happened in the past and move on…
- Allow your friends to be friendly to both. Don’t worry, you will gradually evolve and either develop a new dynamic on your relationship or grow apart. Be at peace and know that every Judas helped you.
- Increase your dedication to ministry – You now have more time to dedicate to fulfilling your purpose. The church has a ministry that can allow you to utilize any skill set that you desire to use or develop. This will allow you to grow in your desired area and remain spiritually grounded.
- Don’t play games! – There is nothing worse than playing games with your ex. If your ex is healthy and is not a threat to your children, you need to allow them to co-parent. To play with anyone’s child male or female is a breeding ground for drama, because no one wants to be denied access to their the children.
- No SEX with the ex! – Y’all know I’m a real person. You shouldn’t be sexing any one, seeing whereas you are now single. Most of the time after a divorce some one loses weight, gets a make over, rediscovers their sexiness, or any or all of the above. It is very easy for sexual tension to build between the two seeing that you both know each other very well. You must at all cost avoid this unless you all re-marry! Sex with the ex is the devil! (j/k) All it does is complicate things.
- Don’t make your ex the reason you succeed – Don’t do one thing to make your ex jealous! They no longer are a part of the equation so it is irrelevant how they feel about anything that you do (unless it directly affect the children)…
Keep in mind this is 3a process but you will come out better than you went in! God still has purpose for you and will use you too. Please leave a comment below... hopefully we can open a healthy dialog regarding this topic...